Conversation between wealthy businessman and homeless drunk lying in the gutter…
Businessman: Pardon me, but you seem to be grabbing at my trousers.
Drunk: Yes, I’m — I’m trying to climb up your leg.
Businessman: Why, may I ask?
Drunk: You may! You see the — the outline of your wallet is showing through the front of your pants, but I can’t seem to reach it. You’re so high up! (Falls)
Businessman: I’d much appreciate you not robbing me. In addition, I ask that you refrain from grabbing at my trousers, you’re going to get them dirty.
Drunk: If I can just… prop myself up. Boy, your legs are like redwoods!
Businessman: Sir, you smell of cat litter and orange juice. If I give you a dollar will you leave me alone?
Drunk: I’ll give you a dollar to give me two dollars!
Businessman: Ingenious. How you ever managed to find yourself in such squalor boggles the mind.
Drunk: Yeah, well what have you done lately? You work day in and day out. And for what? More money? Money. Hah! When was the last time you vomited in public? Or kissed a beautiful woman? Hopefully not in that order. But when was the last time you saw the sun rise over a hot dumpster? Or found a perfectly good sandwich on the street? I bet you’ve never even taken the bus! Or urinated in one!
Businessman: I have a perfectly comfortable life.
Drunk: Perfectly comfortable! Hah! Perfectly comfortable is nothing but a polite word for boring! I’m poor and drunk and I hate myself. But at least I don’t…
Businessman: Don’t what?
Drunk: At least I… I… God, I really thought I had a good point there.
Businessman: Yes, I really felt like you were on to something.
Drunk: You know this — this always happens. I have a great point and then I… I lose my… my… the thing that operates on tracks that’s a metaphor for brain function…
Businessman: Train of thought?
Drunk: We have a winner! It must be from all the…the…
Businessman: Drinking?
Drunk: You sir, are a regular Nostradamus!
Businessman: And you are a pathetic excuse for a man.
Drunk: I really am! (Laughs) Is being rich wonderful?
Businessman: (Hands him a wad of money) Yes.
Drunk: I thought so.
-CL
