This is Cameron Leahy Free consultations // The Downtown Fiction

Are you as tired as I am of dictionaries and their pompous definitions of words? Like, who are you, dictionary, to tell me that a “diphthong” isn’t an individual who likes to dip their thong in stuff? And howyougonna act like you know every word there is to know? Who do you think you are, dictionary? Who the fuck do you think you are?!

Well guess what? I’m starting my own dictionary. Sure, It’s not going to be “thorough” or “published”. And it will be printed on paper towel rolls. But don’t stick up your nose at literature just because it’s not bound in leather! Get off your high horse!

And OKAY. I’m not actually going to know all the words I’m defining. I’ll probably even make up some words to sound smart (ninjaism, irraticability, procrasticious).

Point is, my dictionary comes with a free CD of ocean sounds for you to fall asleep to… and a dollar. Okay FIVE DOLLARS. Jesus why don’t you just put a gun to my head? TEN DOLLARS, the soothing sounds of a sun-drenched ocean shore, and a free 10% off coupon for your next visit to Smoothie King.

Just buy my dictionary.

Someone, somewhere is late for work.
Someone, somewhere is discussing sports.
Someone, somewhere just drank milk past its expiration date, causing them to grimace and spit it out onto their granite kitchen countertop.
Someone, somewhere is looking in their bathroom mirror and discovering a new wrinkle on the corner of their lip.
Someone, somewhere is punching a wall in a ferocious bout of anger.
Someone, somewhere is fast asleep and missing a very important phone call.
Someone, somewhere is having sex.
Someone, somewhere is also having sex.
Someone, somewhere is not having sex, and is wishing they were having sex.
Someone, somewhere just threw their cell phone in a trash can and is too afraid of germs and filth to reach their hand in and retrieve it.
Someone, somewhere just sneezed, crashed their car and said “oh shit”.
Someone, somewhere is finding out they have a terminal disease.
Someone, somewhere just fell in love.
Someone, somewhere just fell down a flight of stairs.
Someone, somewhere is watching TV and can’t find anything good on.
Someone, somewhere is coming out to their hyper-conservative parents about being gay.
Someone, somewhere just accidently set their house on fire.
Someone, somewhere is questioning their faith.
Someone, somewhere just farted loudly at a very inappropriate moment in front of many strangers.
Someone, somewhere is laughing so hard they think they might vomit.
Someone, somewhere just ate a kumquat.
Someone, somewhere is desperately lonely and wishes to no longer be so desperately lonely.
Someone, somewhere is also desperately lonely and wishes to no longer be so desperately lonely.
Someone, somewhere is wondering if someone, somewhere is doing exactly what they’re doing right now, somewhere.
Someone, somewhere IS doing exactly what you’re doing right now.
Someone, somewhere.

CL

It doesn’t make any sense to me that we still so blindly abide to the Constitution considering that the men who wrote it lived in a completely different time period. Men who had no way of predicting what modern day America would be like. Back then if you had pneumonia, you DIED. You need to get somewhere? Ride your horse. Don’t own a horse? Walk, asshole! And it’s not like these men were all good and wise. These are the same people who owned slaves, told women they couldn’t vote and wore powdered wigs!

Imagine, Marty McFly travels back in time, hops out of his shiny Delorean and storms into that hot Philadelphia courthouse where they’re holding the Second Continental Congress. “Listen, (flips hair) guys…I’m (heavy breathing) from the future,” he’d say. “There’s something (more heavy breathing) you have to see.”

Washington and Jefferson and Hancock and the rest of the delegates would follow him to the time machine. Ben Franklin would probably say something like, “Good lord! An electric horse!” Then they’d all cram in like clowns in a clown car and speed off into the portal of time and space.

Present day: 2009. Location: a gun show in Virginia. “Where are we?” they’d ask. Marty would go on to explain that this is in fact, a large expo where Americans, free to own firearms as they please, could congregate to sell and buy any kind of gun they desired.

“Muskets and the like, I presume?” one would ask. “No, not exactly,” Marty would say. “Actually, technology in all fields, including weaponry, has made leaps and bounds. For instance, this gun here is called an AK-47.”

“Does it take 10 minutes to load?” they’d ask. “No, actually, this one here can unload about 400 rounds a minute! Yep you could really do some damage with this bad boy!”

“My god, private citizens can’t be walking around with such a device!” one would exclaim in terror.

“Well according to the Constitution they sure can!” Marty would rejoice. “Oh and by the way, our president is a black man.”

Then they’d all pee themselves. That’s right, if the founding fathers could travel through time, they’d pee themselves.

CL

Alright well, we’re all here so let’s get started. As chairman of the coin collectors committee I’d just like to begin by saying how thrilled I am to have you all here. It’s wonderful to see so many prospective numismatists! Seeing as you’re all new members, and seem quite a bit younger than the average coin collector, I’d like to devote tonight’s meeting to getting to know more about all of you.

I’ll take it from the way you’re all looking menacingly at me that you’re very excited to share! I appreciate the enthusiasm! Now, for future reference, I see you’ve all brought along bats and empty satchels. Unfortunately, we in fact do not have after-meeting softball games, I apologize for any confusion.

Great! Anyone else think it’s a little hot in here? What a coincidence that you’re all wearing black leather jackets! And to all have matching tattoos of a skull on fire with the inscription “Kill, Maim, Torture” on your chests. Talk about a small world! It’s wonderful that the youth are displaying such a rich interest and exuberance in the hobby coin collecting field.

I’ll go ahead and share some of my favorite coins to “get this party started” as you kids today like to say! Now here is a 1943 US Copper Penny with an estimated worth of over $200,000 dollars! And here! A beautiful 1901 Silver Dollar which has a retail value of around $50,000 dollars. Look at the incredible detail, flawless!

You’re all welcome to remain seated, no need to get up just for my sake! I want everyone to be as comfortable as possible. Stand instead? Fine with me, whatever you prefer. I must point out, however, that it will be easier for everyone in the back to see these magnificent coins if you’re all seated. No? Well in that case I would just like to remind you that there will not be any softball games after the meeting, so those bats you’re holding really wont come to much use right now.

Yes, you up front? You want to get a closer look? Well feel free to come right up! See how the reflection of the coin still radiates that healthy twinkle? That’s a very desirable characteristic for any collector’s coin. Oh, you want to hold the coins? Well let me first show the group the rest of the collection and — well, alright if you insist. Here you are. Any fellow collector is welcome to appreciate its beauty firsthand.

Everyone gathering around for a group huddle? Great idea, gang! I guess I’ll be in the middle. This could be a terrific exercise for group morale. How about we all join hands? No? Well if you’d rather hold onto your bats that’s as fine as cherry pie! Speaking of that batter’s stance you’re all taking, I used to be a baseball card collector before I got into coins but —

CL

“Don’t ever let anyone tell you you can’t be a dinosaur. Because if you can dream it, you can do it.”

Where’d they come up with the idea to wear colorful, cone-shaped hats with an uncomfortably tight string around the chin to parties? Maybe it was to fool people into believing that the party was better than it actually was. “I had an okay time, but I guess it must’ve been pretty awesome if I was able to bear it with this ridiculous hat on my head the entire night.”

The party hat is an outdated and tired tradition, and I suggest we devise something new for everyone to wear to parties. A normal article of clothing that gives partygoers a sense of unity. No, I don’t mean a toga. Toga’s are for frat guys and dead Greek philosophers.

I propose that everyone wear an argyle sweater vest. The color is up to you. Light blue? Cool. Brown and green? Sweet. Orange and purple? NO! You cannot wear an orange and purple vest to my party, you’ll look like a moron! Charcoal grey? Works for me.

Then, instead of your friends pointing and laughing at the ridiculous cone on your head, they’ll compliment you on your kick ass argyle sweater vest and how sharp you look in it. You can thank me later, party planners of the world. Join the Anti-Party Hat, Pro-Argyle Sweater Vest movement and be part of the future!

CL

Baseball isn’t what it used to be. For our generation, all we’ve grown to associate the sport with is steroid scandals and well-tended grass. But at one time in American history, baseball was the guiding force, something that brought cities together and captivated the imaginations of children and adults alike. The men who played the sport were revered like mythological gods, burdened with the hopes and dreams of millions. They were bigger than life.

Today’s athletes are treated very differently. Sure they’re paid well, and the very best receive endorsements and coverage on ESPN. But the veil has been lifted. There’s no reverence, no magic, no mystery. I’m not an avid baseball fan, but being raised by a man who so adores the sport, I’ve grown to appreciate what it came to represent. The players were more like superheroes than professional athletes. The ballparks more like cathedrals than stadiums.

Whatever happened to the American Hero? Do we live in a time that holds no place for the god-like?

CL

The world is full of marvelous things
Cities to travel and books to read
But life is short and there’s so little time
To see all there is to see in this one life of mine

CL