This is Cameron Leahy Free consultations // The Downtown Fiction

Conversation between wealthy businessman and homeless drunk lying in the gutter…

Businessman: Pardon me, but you seem to be grabbing at my trousers.

Drunk: Yes, I’m — I’m trying to climb up your leg.

Businessman: Why, may I ask?

Drunk: You may! You see the — the outline of your wallet is showing through the front of your pants, but I can’t seem to reach it. You’re so high up! (Falls)

Businessman: I’d much appreciate you not robbing me. In addition, I ask that you refrain from grabbing at my trousers, you’re going to get them dirty.

Drunk: If I can just… prop myself up. Boy, your legs are like redwoods!

Businessman: Sir, you smell of cat litter and orange juice. If I give you a dollar will you leave me alone?

Drunk: I’ll give you a dollar to give me two dollars!

Businessman: Ingenious. How you ever managed to find yourself in such squalor boggles the mind.

Drunk: Yeah, well what have you done lately? You work day in and day out. And for what? More money? Money. Hah! When was the last time you vomited in public? Or kissed a beautiful woman? Hopefully not in that order. But when was the last time you saw the sun rise over a hot dumpster? Or found a perfectly good sandwich on the street? I bet you’ve never even taken the bus! Or urinated in one!

Businessman: I have a perfectly comfortable life.

Drunk: Perfectly comfortable! Hah! Perfectly comfortable is nothing but a polite word for boring! I’m poor and drunk and I hate myself. But at least I don’t…

Businessman: Don’t what?

Drunk: At least I… I… God, I really thought I had a good point there.

Businessman: Yes, I really felt like you were on to something.

Drunk: You know this — this always happens. I have a great point and then I… I lose my… my… the thing that operates on tracks that’s a metaphor for brain function…

Businessman: Train of thought?

Drunk: We have a winner! It must be from all the…the…

Businessman: Drinking?

Drunk: You sir, are a regular Nostradamus!

Businessman: And you are a pathetic excuse for a man.

Drunk: I really am! (Laughs) Is being rich wonderful?

Businessman: (Hands him a wad of money) Yes.

Drunk: I thought so.

-CL

Ever since Jocelyn’s golden crown could challenge the bedroom doorknob, she wished to one day visit France, meet a French man, and fall deeply in love resulting in many babies. She watched French films, read every book about the country and its culture, ate brie and chocolate croissants and taught herself the French language with an instructive cassette tape on popular French phrases.

Seemingly overnight - the way life tends to happen - the distance from Jocelyn’s feet to forehead ballooned dramatically, and suddenly she was a woman. This prompted her to pack her suitcase in a fit of ecstasy and hail the first yellowcab to the nearest airport.

She made a mad dash for the ticket counter and reserved one ticket for Paris to depart that very hour. What she failed to notice in her tizzy of childhood-fantasy-coming-to-fruition, was that in fact she had booked a flight for the city of Paris, Texas… as opposed to the popular French metropolis by the same name.

Jocelyn never realized this critical error, even after boarding the Lonestar-bound aircraft, due to the fact that her instructive cassette tape on popular French phrases drowned out the voice of the flight attendant who announced the final destination prior to take off.

The plane crashed not but thirty minutes into the flight when a bird flew into the left engine causing complete power failure, sealing the fate of all 142 people aboard.

-CL

Don’t fuck with my heart, baby, cuz it’s so precious and paper thin/Don’t fuck with my heart, darling, cuz I’m a delicate gentleman/Don’t fuck with my heart, honey, cuz if you do I might cave right in/Don’t fuck with my heart, lady, cuz I’m a delicate gentleman

-CL

The music you listen to growing up will always be the most enduring because those songs carry with them precious memories. The records that I listened to, mostly due to my parents playing them on cassettes (those existed once) are so powerful that when I hear them, I am transported back to those times. I can recall one day in particular, driving down some freeway in southern California, right around dusk, and Joni Mitchell “Peoples’ Parties” was playing on our tape deck. Whenever I listen to that record, Court and Spark, I feel like I’m there again, four years old in the backseat.

This short list of songs has had an enormous impact on who I’ve become, and I realize that the people who wrote them would probably have trouble fully understanding just how important they are to me. Look them up on Youtube or something if you get a chance.

1. The Rolling Stones - Ruby Tuesday

2. Joni Mitchell - Peoples’ Parties

3. The B-52’s - Private Idaho

4. Patsy Cline - Crazy

6. Mary Wells - The One Who Really Loves You

7. The Rolling Stones - Let’s Spend the Night Together

8. Sheryl Crow - All I Wanna Do

9. Bobby Gentry - Ode to Billy Joe

10. The Rolling Stones - Wild Horses

-CL

Human interaction is so fascinating. It’s strange how you can meet Person A and immediately feel comfortable, but one minute with Person B and you’re already pitted against each other like fighting dogs. Some might attribute this phenomenon to good/bad first impressions, but I’m not convinced that’s the only variable. Maybe there’s something built-in to all of us, like a subconscious mechanism that measures the compatibility of a person based on your own personality. Not everybody gets along, that’s a given. My question is, what makes anyone get along in the first place?

Conversation with the text-information service, KBG (aka 542-542).

Me: Is Santa Claus real?

KGB: Santa Claus is real if you believe in him! Many children do! He lives in the North Pole!

Me: Wait, so you’re saying if I believe in Santa, then he exists? Does this theory hold true for everything? Like, if I believe I can fly, does that mean I can jump off my roof?

KGB: No, you shouldn’t jump off your roof. Gravity is also real like Santa, yet we cannot see or touch it!

Touché, KGB, touché.

-CL

Are you as tired as I am of dictionaries and their pompous definitions of words? Like, who are you, dictionary, to tell me that a “diphthong” isn’t an individual who likes to dip their thong in stuff? And howyougonna act like you know every word there is to know? Who do you think you are, dictionary? Who the fuck do you think you are?!

Well guess what? I’m starting my own dictionary. Sure, It’s not going to be “thorough” or “published”. And it will be printed on paper towel rolls. But don’t stick up your nose at literature just because it’s not bound in leather! Get off your high horse!

And OKAY. I’m not actually going to know all the words I’m defining. I’ll probably even make up some words to sound smart (ninjaism, irraticability, procrasticious).

Point is, my dictionary comes with a free CD of ocean sounds for you to fall asleep to… and a dollar. Okay FIVE DOLLARS. Jesus why don’t you just put a gun to my head? TEN DOLLARS, the soothing sounds of a sun-drenched ocean shore, and a free 10% off coupon for your next visit to Smoothie King.

Just buy my dictionary.

Someone, somewhere is late for work.
Someone, somewhere is discussing sports.
Someone, somewhere just drank milk past its expiration date, causing them to grimace and spit it out onto their granite kitchen countertop.
Someone, somewhere is looking in their bathroom mirror and discovering a new wrinkle on the corner of their lip.
Someone, somewhere is punching a wall in a ferocious bout of anger.
Someone, somewhere is fast asleep and missing a very important phone call.
Someone, somewhere is having sex.
Someone, somewhere is also having sex.
Someone, somewhere is not having sex, and is wishing they were having sex.
Someone, somewhere just threw their cell phone in a trash can and is too afraid of germs and filth to reach their hand in and retrieve it.
Someone, somewhere just sneezed, crashed their car and said “oh shit”.
Someone, somewhere is finding out they have a terminal disease.
Someone, somewhere just fell in love.
Someone, somewhere just fell down a flight of stairs.
Someone, somewhere is watching TV and can’t find anything good on.
Someone, somewhere is coming out to their hyper-conservative parents about being gay.
Someone, somewhere just accidently set their house on fire.
Someone, somewhere is questioning their faith.
Someone, somewhere just farted loudly at a very inappropriate moment in front of many strangers.
Someone, somewhere is laughing so hard they think they might vomit.
Someone, somewhere just ate a kumquat.
Someone, somewhere is desperately lonely and wishes to no longer be so desperately lonely.
Someone, somewhere is also desperately lonely and wishes to no longer be so desperately lonely.
Someone, somewhere is wondering if someone, somewhere is doing exactly what they’re doing right now, somewhere.
Someone, somewhere IS doing exactly what you’re doing right now.
Someone, somewhere.

CL